elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- depression I just made an appointment for tomorrow at 2 to talk to my doctor about my depression. This is really, really a big step for me. I've been dealing with depression my whole life. When I was by myself, or with my ex which was basically like being by myself, it didn't seem to matter - I would deal, and suppress, and when I had to be around other people, usually do okay. But being with someone I love, who loves me, somehow makes it all worse rather than better. Because I realize that I'm not just dealing with my own depression. How I act, what I say, how sad and unmotivated and tired I am all the time, my random crying, irritablity, inability to sleep - all this stuff affects my partner almost more than it does myself. I don't always notice. I cry more with her back - not that it isn't wonderful, because it is! And we've been having lots of fun. She's not the problem - I am so, so happy when I'm in her arms. But I think part of me wants her to fix me - or I thought that when she came back, I'd be instantly happy again. It doesn't, and didn't, work that way. I'm still depressed even though she's home, because I was depressed before she even left. And her being here for me, listening to me, LOVING me, makes it harder for me to live with the fact that I feel, most of the time, dead, empty, and sad. I get upset over the tiniest thing and can't stop crying. I don't want to put her through that - even though, like I said, she's wonderful and supportive of me. If I were by myself, I would probably just live with the sadness. But I'm not alone anymore. I'm part of something, and that partnership means so much to me, I don't want to start rusting it up with my tears. So. Tomorrow I'm going to go see my doctor, and see what she thinks. Because I can't just snap out of this. I can't wait it out, either. I need to be proactive, and treat this disease, no matter how afraid I am of it. 2:25 p.m. - 2004-09-02 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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