elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- fuck me, UGH! I hate asking people for things SO MUCH. It makes my insides squeeze up and hurt because even if it's necessary and all that, I just can not do it. Unfortunately I seem to have to ask people for things a lot now. Help, mostly. Ha ha. See, there's all these applications for fellowships, and I had to get refrences, but I left it to the last minute, and gave them the wrong forms, so now I have to get them to write them on the real foms, and it's SUCH A PAIN IN THE ASS. Because one of my references is the Head of the Department, who is lovely and sweet when she wants to be, and I think genuinely likes me, but of who I am terrified to anger, because when she's mad... Also. Yes. Anyway. I can't ask people for things, and I should stop feeling bad about it, because fierce independence is a good quality when you need it to break away from people, but sometimes, y'know. People. Need People. I really am a terrible student, and I don't know how I got this far with my approach to work, man. I might have been born with a horseshoe up my ass - while things don't always go how I want them to, they usually, in some way, work out without me having to try very hard. But I think that's not how grad school works. It worked in high school. It worked in my BA. I'm not in slackerville any longer. I get filled with feelings of such potent self-loathing when I've wasted a whole day, but I can't seem to channel that loathing into motivation. I don't know what's wrong with me. I love this, I love research, I love learning, but I just cannot get myself to DO any of it. Fuck, do I need to cry. 10:03 a.m. - 2003-10-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
||||||
|
||||||