elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- this is an 'i am neurotic' post I'm sitting here in my bed with my computer on my lap, listening to the oldies station playing Gordon Lightfoot (If you could read my mind) which just now changed to Aretha Franklin (Respect). I'm sort of reading and sort of thinking. I did not write a novel this weekend. I did write 30 pages of crap, but, I'm not going to be concerned about it. I made a decision this morning, a pretty good one, I think, to quit. I've said on many an occasion that I'm not a quitter, and that is true most of the time. What I am really good at, however, is giving up. So, whatever. I tried something and I failed. I'm not going to send anything in, and the entrance fee is a writeoff. I'll buy a crappier printer than the one I want to make up the difference. I'm not disappointed in myself, really. I mean, sure, a little - I wish I had the motivation and courage to keep writing even when I hated what was coming out. But mostly? I'm worried about all the other people being disappointed in me. My biggest problem is that I pretend I don't care what people think of me at all, but it's really everything I care about. See, I had a few people who were really, really encouraging me with this. And I might have to lie to them and say I finished. They know I wouldn't let them read it anyway. Because I hate letting people down, even though maybe I do it pretty often. Anyway. I feel sad. - Tomorrow is the technical first day of school, though I don't think I have any classes. I'm working, which smooths out the panic a little. But i am so scared. People are all 'aww, you'll do fine', and sure i will, but does that make it less scary? no. I am no good at new things, and despite the fact that school isn't really new for me at all, it's still scary as all fuck. yes. 7:49 p.m. - 2003-09-01 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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