elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- an end. I'm still as emotional as I was yesterday. I know, somehow, that she's bad news. Not that she's a bad person - she's not. But she's dishonest with herself, she's hurt deep inside, and she hides so much of herself. I don't think she knows who she really is. And she can't talk about things. Sometimes it seems like she just can't talk about things with me. It was always like that. I would hold back continually, just not say things, because I knew she wouldn't want to talk back. Or I didn't think she wanted to hear them. And me, I'm also the kind of person that hides and withdraws at the first sign of danger, but still. She's never let me in, even a bit. I think, for a while, I saw that as a sign of her strength. A sign that she didn't need anybody except herself. But now, I think it's a sign of weakness. She can't accept help, and she can't risk the possibility of being hurt. But yesterday, we were having a picnic with a bunch of friends, and she kept looking at me, wanting to say something. Despite what she thinks, I know her, and I know when she's hiding something. The difference is, I never really asked before, not after a while, because I knew she wouldn't tell me shit. I'd given up on her, until the last little while when everything was so nice, and she was making me happy, and being with her was like waking up. Sometimes she makes me feel so good, you know? We know each other. But we know each other without actually ever telling each other anything. She said, once, that the test of getting to know somebody was through living the frivolities of life together, and not necessarily seeing each other in that brutally honest, broken-down state. I agree and disagree, because I think you need some of both. I don't want to still be in love with her. I never wanted to in the first place. She's really easy to love, I think, but impossibly hard to be in love with, because she believes herself to be incapable of that feeling. I'm not going to deny that I believe that, sometimes. She treated me badly, and I let her. Not abusively, but badly, nonetheless. She walked away from me last night, like she walked away from me so many times before. And I've spent my time since then hurting. And I have to stop. I can't let her do this to me anymore. It's obvious she doesn't have it in her to even be honest with me, to even try. She says she can't even tell me whatever it is I know she wants to. I don't even care what it is she has to say, maybe that'll break my heart some more. I don't care. I just want her to tell me something. It's been about a year since we officially broke up. About a year and a half since we should have. I've moved on superficially, but obviously not really. There's something about her, you see. Despite everything, she has this spark of life that draws you to her. And we're so good as friends, or we would be, if there wasn't all that other stuff. But it has to end. I can't feel this way anymore. 2:43 p.m. - 2003-06-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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