elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- keep on keep on Sometimes I hate her so much, because what gives her the right to make me feel like such complete and utter shit, like I don't matter at all, like my feelings are either stupid or completely unwanted? And as today has witnessed, even when I reach out and try and get her to freaking TALK to me and open up even a little, she shuts me out. And I know she's just afraid, just like I was, and I shouldn't judge her and feel bad about it, but Jesus. She always just leaves. I want to write her an email that says "You can't always run away from everything" or something intelligent I write when I'm actually sober, though beer has nothing to do with this. I keep trying, and she keeps crushing me, and yet, somehow, I'm still completely in love with her. I can't think of anything I'd want more than her to love me back, and be honest about it. But she hides behind her frivolity and her barriers and her self-made bitchiness, none of which is true, and she won't talk to me. And I guess now I know she'll never talk to me. Because I was trying so, so hard tonight. And it was honest. And I was being real, for once. Not for a moment do I want to insinuate that this is all her fault, not in the long run, because, it's a two way street. But today she just left. Instead of talking to me, instead of answering me, other than 'i can't', she left. I don't know if I can let that go. I need a tylenol and some water. 8:55 p.m. - 2003-06-07 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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