elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- the soldiers on the frontlines of my mental problems. Call me crude (helllooo, crude!) but some days the only thing that keeps me from going crazy is a little bit of self-loving. Not that that's all I've been doing in all these days of not posting. I'm not a maniac, people. Not like you. (That's right. You. No, not you, you prude, the other one. Yeah. You.) See, sometimes I retreat. In the big battle that is life, one of the little soldier people in my head who, I suppose, rules all of the other people yells "Retreat!" and they all go back to camp and crawl into their bunks and read the government sponsered literature. At the same time, me, meaning this me, me me, kinda stops calling people, stops going out all that much, and kind of stays home to sit on the couch watching movies and reading books and playing Lance Bass Mah Jongg. And I'm not especially upset or depressed or stressed. Well, I'm pretty stressed. But, y'know. Says Worsdworth: "The world is too much with us, late and soon, / Getting and spending we lay waste our powers, / Little we see in Nature that is ours." I am seeking nature, in a way -- Wordsworth walked the lakes, I've been walking Stanley (North America's third largest urban) Park every day, going down to the ocean. Trees and water are the things that calm me down. But the getting and spending, dude. The world is just always here, always buzzing with white noise. We are an airborne toxic event. There are people everywhere; all talking, shouting, asking for things, feeling underappreciated, pitying other people, wanting things they can't have, smiling, crying. Sometimes, my heart can't take it. So I go to work and am my usual bubbly barista self, if a little more subdued, a little more at edge. I come home and don't talk to anyone. I don't write, I read. I don't create, I watch. And I sleep. And hopefully, whatever is broken will mend itself. It's not unpleasant, because really, all I ever want to do is stay at home and read and watch movies and sleep, and all the going out and having fun takes unnatural effort, and drains me. And I'm very calm, although my fuse is short. The imminent anger that always bubbles in my belly waiting for those plates to shift so it can escape is unescapable, but my normal self is so good at self-denial and self-containment that it stays there, hidden. Times like this, however, when my patience with the world is null, that's when the self-lovin' comes in. Because what quells the tension and calms things right down better than a little somethin' somethin'? 1:43 p.m. - 2003-05-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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