elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- in which i ramble about things. I was just suddenly hit with "must! clean! house!" syndrome, which lasted for about three minutes until I sat down at my computer. I start work at 3:15 today, which begs the question, who the hell starts work at 3:15? And also, why haven't I scheduled tuesday nights off so I can always be home watching Buffy and Smallville and Angel? Because I'm embarassed at how much of a geek I am, and must suffer by taping only one or the other. Except I just checked and Buffy's a repeat, and so is Smallville, ending my predicament. Right. - So usually, I'm not insecure about sex. It doesn't make me nervous, really. A lot of my past partners, however, have been. Including my new girlfriend-ish-type person. Her insecurity and nervousness is, of course, leaching onto me, and giving me a complex. So yeah, things in fairyland aren't perfect. It's not just sex, either, but she's just really shy, and nervous, like I'm this thing she has to please. Like she can't have a past I don't like, or she can't tell me stories that aren't perfect. Which is bullshit, man. It's my problem of latching onto people I like, and feeling like I know them instantly. I forget that other people actually take time to get close to people. - It was my best friend's birthday yesterday. He called me up around six, sounding upset, and asked if I'd go to coffee with him. Five minutes after we met, he asked me if I knew what day it is, and, being me, and constantly unaware of both the date and time, in addition to being unaware that other people have lives and care about birthdays, said I have no idea.
Gee, that felt good. But I guess nobody remembered his birthday, and he was standing in a crowded room of people he knows and people he doesn't, and it hit him that nobody really knows him. And he was telling all this to me about other people, but I'm in there too, no mistaking it. And he cried. I hate it when he cries. My heart breaks. Cause he's so strong most of the time. So. He wants to stop being invisible, he wants people to start giving to him like he gives to others, and he wants to stop doing what's expected of him. I tihnk the way to stop being invisible to others - the way to get people to notice you and want to be around you - is to break down those walls that are stopping yourself from doing just that. I'm both those people - the invisible one, the crazy outgoing one. It depends where I am and who I'm with. And it's not easy, after trying for so long to be invisible to want to be seen and loved. While he was talking to me, I kept wanting to talk back about myself. But that's the problem. 11:45 a.m. - 2003-04-08 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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