elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- me and school, an opera. I have two days to apply to grad school. I was so stressed out all day at work that I had to go and buy two pairs of shoes, two t-shirts, a hoody, and a cap. All on sale, of course. Then I got home and I had a panic attack just by having the application open. So I did the sensible thing. I called my mother. And she made me realize why this is so hard for me. See, I've never once had a goal, worked up to it, and accomplished something. I've never even once made a decision that impacts my life at all. Not without someone else to do it with me or decide for me. All I ever do is to fall into things. My parents sent me to private school. I was in band and the musicals because my friends were. I dated a boy because he asked me. My best friend and girl I was in love with decided we should move to Vancouver, go to university here, together. So I did. I came here because she came here and I couldn't even fathom not being connected to her. She left me, and I kept living here, kept drifting aimlessly. I got my current job because I walked in there and they asked me. I haven't ever made a decision that allows me to go somewhere. That makes a difference. If I'm already there, I can decide left or right or up or down, but if I'm way the hell over here? The idea of getting from here to there is overwhelmingly scary. So, this grad school thing? I'd be doing it alone. It's part of a long term goal. It's a two-year commitment to a life and to this city. This is a big step. This is going from here to there. My mom said that she'd never really done that either. She falls into things. She's followed what the path gave her. And she's happy now, happier than she's ever been, and she doesn't regret anything, but she wishes all the same that she had taken chances. It's like Cameron in Ferris Bueller. I've gotta take a stand. I have to do something on my own. I probably won't get in, anyway. 7:49 p.m. - 2003-03-27 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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