elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i do not care. The simple story is, I'm pretty unhappy right now, yet I'm unwilling or unable to do anything about it. That's three uns. Talking in opposites make it easier. I'm miserable, yet I'm too lazy or scared or fucked up in the brain to change anything. Me and motivation don't even speak the same language. I can't act, I can only be. I take up space and live this life that I've fallen upon, despite it being nothing like the one I envision for myself, because I can't face the idea that maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I'm not worth enough to be one of the fabulous people. Maybe I can't live up to my dreams. First person is automatic. I'm lonely, and one by one my sham goals are crumbling underneath the pressure of my unworthiness and guilt and rejection. I haven't been talking about it because I've pushed away everybody I could have talked to. And despite all this? Despite knowing what I can and can't do, what I should and shouldn't do, what I will and won't do? I don't care. 9:27 p.m. - 2003-02-16 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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