elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- i'm not crazy I'm just a little unwell So, my whole gosh darn life, I've wanted to be one of those people with letters after their name. Not because it would fulfil me as a human being, or because I'm just that pretentious. I always just thought it was kind of cool. I have a couple letters, but they're a B and an A, and although yay, I have one of those, whatever. They're not the letters I want. Besides my obsession with having letters after my name - which was, long before I had either, somewhat like my obsessive need to learn Latin, which I did, kinda, and feel good about - I want to go to grad school. I'm good at school, I love school, and despite the fact that I am really, really enjoying this year not doing anything at all [a blatant lie], I want to go back. Except, everytime I start to decide to get my application ready, think about talking to profs about references, thinking about even going the department to talk to the secretary? I freeze up, and do something else for an hour. Watch a dvd, or play a silly game, or read a story. Now, one would think that this was some sort of phobia, and one would be correct. Because moving forward is something I don't do without being pushed, and making decisions is something I don't do unless I have to, and I'm doing fine coasting in a nowhere job that's actually pretty darn fun, aren't I? I'm pretty damn mentally healthy lately. Compared to myself last year. I've got a handle on myself, I'm not in any destructive relationships or friendships, I'm good. My coworkers like me, I have a bunch of friends who I love, and I'm living my life. The subject has veered off to a bit of self-convincing, it seems like. All I want to say is, why must silly phobias and fear rule my life when I should be the one ruling it? 4:19 p.m. - 2002-11-25 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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