elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- never a bridesmaid, always a bride. So, I love my girlfriend dearly, and she's so great to me, and believe me, I can be pretty tiring sometimes. We talked a little last night, because I was feeling depressed and taking it out on her a bit, etc etc. But she's so wonderful, and I really never thought I would find someone I could love this much, and who could love me. I mean, me. It's just, really really great. So, this isn't even a thing, really, it's me and my ever-present feeling of inadequacy, of mediocrity. But she's better at everything than me. Everything, maybe not, because of course we have different skills, though I can't think of anything I can do better than she can. But what I really mean is grades. We're in the same discipline, so we've had to do a lot of the same courses. Every class we've been in together, or both of us taken at different times, even, she's recieved a grade just a bit better than mine, 1 to 5 percent-wise. Always, this includes a letter grade, since I'm the queen of A-, and she gets straight A's and usually A+'s. Because she's fucking brilliant, and just plain good at school, and of course I love her for that. To be honest, I probably couldn't deal with being with someone less smart than me. I mean, I've done that before, and it sucked, because I'm totally an intellectual snob. I look up to intellect, and smarts turn me on. I love it. But once, just once, I wanted to do better than her in something. Something stupid, even: German for Reading Knowledge. A six-week joke of a course. Three exams were the only requirement. I went into it thinking, of course my girlfriend will do better than me, she always does. But then I did better than her on both of the first exams, not by much, maybe 6% each time. I got A+'s, she got A's. So, of course, I thought that finally! I would be the better student. Our grades came back today: She beat me by 1%. And of course, she told me, and I freaking started CRYING, because I'm a big loser. And it's moments like that when I just want to stop my MA and go do something else, so I can be with her and not resent her so much for being so much better at everything than me. And how freaking childish is that? I realize I need to get over myself, that I need to just accept that she'll always be more successful and more noticeable and more brilliant. Because those are things that I love about her. But it's kind of hard, dude. Because still, just once I want to be better at something than her, and I'm sort of afraid of that feeling. 10:44 a.m. - 2004-06-22 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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