elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- don't panic Question: Why did I just eat an almond flavoured chocolate that was labelled quite clearly as such, when I hate and loathe anything almond flavoured, save almonds themselves? Because today was my first day of grad school and I fucking needed that chocolate, okay. So I'm freaking out but it really wasn't that bad. My freaking out has more to do with future responsibilities, the need to give up current things that make me happy but are big time wasters, and the fact that I still don't really know what I'm doing so it's all scary and I'm very bad at new things. Very bad. And I'm terrible at making friends with people. Because of the nervousness. New thing, new people, I get nervous and weird, and people say, "who's the weird nervous girl?" not "Hmm let's be her friend." I have a desk, though! It has my Dreaded First Name labelled on it, and has a little shelf, and is otherwise blissfully blank! I had no idea I would get a desk, yo. How cool is that? Sure, other grad students might get offices, and we get a reading room with cubey type desks but yes. Morning was Latin and Greek, which are both your standard ancient language courses, where I'll have to do a bunch of work but it's fairly easy work. Repetition, memory. Blah. Then I had my first grad seminar, an archaeology thing, which was cool but intimidating! with Ph.D students in it. And obviously I'll have to do a bunch of presentations and public speaking since giving papers and all that is almost the point, but, eek. I suck. I'm not necessarily afraid of speaking in public, but again, nerves. My knees shake and my voice shakes and I doubt myself and maybe cry. But god, am I going to have to do a lot of work this year. After a year of no work (starbucks, man! that ain't work.) it's going to be insane. I have no self-discipline, but hopefully by next week I will. And I dunno. Most of the other student people are pretty into their own things and not overly nice, and they know each other, and that sucks. But that is only one class, and there are two other students from my program in it, and we're cool. So. Basically this is a long rambling post to let out my anxieties, and help me remember that I chose this and it's not supposed to be fun and it should be work and la la la. And ack. And yikes. And I have a desk! My brain indeed does work like this. This is stream of consciousness, baby. Well kind of. Anyway. -- Things to remember: Eat. Bring water. Drink coffee before you leave home. Important. Don't Panic. 7:41 p.m. - 2003-09-03 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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