elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- lucidity I had a night that was really one big moment of lucidity. I don't know if it's good or bad, but I do know that I feel calm - calmer than I've felt in weeks - and that I know something I didn't know before. This whole ex thing - it's been so long, and I still think about her so much. And we hung out tonight, went to the beach around 7:30, stayed for four hours playing in the sand. No really. And we talked. And it was jilted, and interspersed with moments of pop culture, but we told each other just as much in those four hours as we did in the year together, I think. I think I feel better. She's broken, and I am, too, but less than her. Not because of each other but because of ourselves. We're so much alike, and get along so well, but can never say anything to each other. Probably because everything we say gets mirrored right back at us. I miss her, I want to spend time with her bullshit-free, and I love her. But I don't want to date her. I don't want to be with her. It's not even a question of want, actually. I wouldn't be able to. It's not right. We still have a lot to say. Who knows if we ever will. I hope so, but, y'know. But I think what tonight did was validate some things, give it that sense of closure that I never really had. I don't want to think about her all the time; I don't want to want her. But finding out that she thinks about me? Makes it a little easier. I feel good, and I'm not panicking, and I'm not crying, and all of these are good things. [And tomorrow I get to see PoTC!] 11:21 p.m. - 2003-07-10 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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