elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- daydream believer. You know on Ally McBeal, when Ally would start thinking about something weird, and then David. E. Kelly would show whatever it was happening in fantastical ways? I liked that show, at first, because that's what living in my head is like. Sometimes I have an idle thought, and then suddenly I'm completely elsewhere, and things are happening but they're not real, and I can't tell until I shake myself out of it. This is called mental illness in some areas. But my mother used to call it an overactive imagination. I've gotten better with age, but still, I daydream like nobody I know. People often have to poke me or yell in my ear to shake me out of one. Right. So just now, I was getting ready to go to bed, and I flipped my cordless phone in the air and caught it, and thought about how I wasn't able to get in touch with my dad today, and how he hasn't called in a while, and how he could be dead. And then suddenly I was planning how I would get time off work and if I could ask without bursting into tears, and I was planning what I would say to my brothers, and in my head, my father had died, and I started crying. Um. It has a lot to do with overwhelming paranoia that I carry with me. Lots and lots of people don't see that side of me. I'm pretty confident and scoffy and cynical and laid-back in my interactions with people. But yes. They're not always about death, but they're always about me, and how I would react to things, should they happen. This is why, perhaps, I write more in online journals than I do fiction. Because deep down, I'm only interested in myself. But aren't we all? 10:47 p.m. - 2003-04-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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