elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- queer punk Despite my self-professed emotional well-being and renewed self-confidence, I am making a giant fuss out of one night hanging with the lesbians. So, listen. Gay as I am, I am a pretty terrible lesbian. First of all, it's been, shit --well, 9 or 10 months now since I've been with someone, other than a few kisses and gropes here and there. I don't have that dyke "look", really, so I'm not approached as much as maybe I would be if I did. Also, I am terrible at making that first move. And I never go out to the places to meet women. And, okay, gay is not who I am. It's who I want to sleep with. I totally respect and adore those who make it their number one self-identifyer, I even envy them, but, that's not me. I don't think of myself, usually, as a big L Lesbian. I'm just a girl who loves women. The idea of meeting people, new people, and dating them, however appealing, scares me to death. Because that means putting myself out there, risking getting hurt again. So I don't go to these lesbian events. I stay home and do the little things that make me at once a big geek and incredibly happy. And despite my renewed self-confidence, still, inside, I find it hard to believe anyone will want to love me. Which really blows that self-confidence theory out the window, down twenty-five floors, to go splat on the elegantly bricked sidewalk. Look at all that shines; baby's down on the world and she knows it. So today, I was invited to this queer punk show, and I'm making myself go, because if I don't? I suck. And I'm trying to suck less and less. I'm going to try and maybe meet someone new, however scary that is. I talked to my ex last night and ended up thinking about her all day, and I want that not to happen anymore. Also: my fucking hair won't cooperate, but I'm wearing a cute outfit! whee! 5:55 p.m. - 2003-01-11 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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