elegantwaste's Diaryland Diary ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- falling. Some things you want. Others, you pursue. You chase them and if it's meant to be, the apple drops and the race is over and it's yours. Other things, most things, you just fall into. This is how I've led my life. I can't remember the last time I pursued something and got it, and so I suppose I just stopped the pursuit. I don't have everything I want, everything I need, or even a lot. But when something needs to happen, I've noticed it usually does. Things start moving. Making them stop is the hard part. I don't spend much time thinking about starting new things - I'll do the least amount of effort possible, and it usually will fall into my lap. Stopping things, however, is probably the thing I am the very worst at. My first relationship was a long one, and a celibate one. A friend-ship, but I, and she, were both in love. Not star-crossed lovers kept apart by gender - this wasn't a sexual love - but it was all-encompasing, and if we had both been gay - which, incidentally, I am - I have no doubt we would have gone further. We fell into it, the way people do. In my heart though, I don't think I could have been more into it. And I don't think I could again. It got bad, as things inevitably do, and she stopped it. I didn't expect anything, and my little heart broke. Now, the latest relationship - again, it was a falling. I was crushing pretty badly, but not pursuing, because I generally don't. But then there was a sexy day, and there was alcohol, and there was sex. That, probably, should have been that, but we tried. I remember that she said she wanted to do something right for once. I was, and still am, a little in awe of her. Almost afraid. She was so untouchable in my mind - brilliant and aloof and not needing anybody. And when we got together, I knew that she probably would never need me, either. So I didn't try. I probably should have. Things wouldn't have lasted as long as they did, but would have probably been for the best. Things weren't good for a while. Not that we fought, we just, didn't anything. This wasn't as bad as the first time my heart was broken, because this time, I knew. I anticipated it. I knew the whole time we were together that one day she would realize that she didn't need me, didn't want me, and no longer had to prove anything to herself or anything else. I didn't put effort into us, and I was miserable for a lot of the time, except when I was happy and in love and felt loved. It wasn't good, though. I don't regret anything, because, first of all, why regret?, and second, I'm a stronger, better, fuller, more confident person, now. But part of me wishes I weren't so alone. I wish I had someone to kiss me and to sleep beside me. Someone to go places with, to hold my hand. And yeah, I could use some sex right about now. And part of me wants to yell "bitch" out the window. And part of me wants to go out and pick up somebody and fuck their brains out. But I think I'm just gonna coast for a little while, and figure out what it is I want to do, really. I'm going to find something I want, and pursue it, and get it. Because I'm done falling into things. 12:54 p.m. - 2002-06-28 ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- |
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